the tale of despereaux: being the story of a mouse, a girl, some life cereal, and a netflix envelope

Come closer, Dear Readers, and I will tell you The Tale of Despereaux.

Despereaux was a little mouse who lived Behind The Fridge in the kitchen of a girl named Michelle. Despereaux liked to crawl out on the counter while she was trying to work and freak her completely out. To tell you the truth, which I always do, he was terribly in love with her. He had been reading too many books on the subject.

But Michelle was wily and she had soon constructed a humane trap out of a paper towel, peanuts, and a waste basket. It looked something like this:


















When she returned from getting her car back from the impound lot, she found that the trap had worked. Sort of. It looked like this:


But Despereaux was not there.

So Michelle tried another kind of trap, this time with LIFE cereal.


But Despereaux, known as the Houdini of Behind the Fridge, escaped again.

So Michelle tried a third time, this time with a Netflix envelope containing the last disc of the third season of a popular but now canceled television show, and woke the next morning to a THWUMP sound and a tiny mouse shriek. She leaned over the trap to see the mouse and perhaps take a victory photograph, but Despereaux was so overcome by her beauty and his great love for her that he LEAPT in the air with joy, nearly coming out of the basket! (Despereaux is also known as Air Despereaux in Behind the Fridge.) Thinking quickly, as she is wont to do, Michelle grabbed the closest thing at hand, which was, ironically, the final shooting script for The Tale of Despereaux! This story is so self-referential and hip!


Michelle decided Despereaux would enjoy a new home in The Dumpster On The Sidewalk, and left him there, with many tears and affectionate glances.

For a while, Despereaux really enjoyed living in The Dumpster On The Sidewalk. Friendly people threw him scraps of food to eat. But after a couple of days, Despereaux realized that what he really wanted was to be near Michelle, and he somehow found his frigging way out of The Dumpster On The Sidewalk and journeyed back to Behind The Fridge.

But Michelle knew in her heart that their love could never be, and she needed to take drastic measures.

Soon after this, Michelle heard the THWAP of the trap being sprung. She thought at first it was her heart, but then ran to the counter next to Behind the Fridge and found Despereaux there once again, staring at her dolefully through green plastic.

Despereaux, Michelle, and Michelle's friend Brie, newly arrived from Los Angeles, took a ride together. Despereaux, inside a bag from a rather over-priced clothing store, tried reciting a love poem he had written for Michelle, but messed up on the second stanza and fell silent.

They soon came to Despereaux's new home By The River In City Park. Michelle bid Despereaux a fond adieu, and Brie opened the door and cried, "Run, run, little mouse!" After a moment of cowering in the corner, Despereaux ran for the river, turning only briefly to send Michelle a look she would remember for the rest of her life. A look that said, "I honor you!" And also, "I crapped in your Anthropologie bag, so don't use it for clothes or anything."

The End.

Thank you for listening to my story, Dear Readers. Please come back next week for The Tale of Giacomo the Giant Roach.

(Just kidding, Heidi.)

(Not really.)